父母的白发,走出个体与自我意识的真正觉醒

作者:山羊月
链接:https://www.zhihu.com/question/263525664/answer/270747708
来源:知乎
著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权,非商业转载请注明出处。

宿舍如何如何垃圾,专业如何如何坑爹,智商如何如何被碾压,上述这些诚然残酷,但我理解更残酷的是看不到妈妈脸上的皱纹,爸爸头上的白发时,看不到他们已经老了,却还在努力为你我支撑着一片天空的事实。

看到父母的负担,是走向自我独立最好的激励。但如今很多大学生们,哪怕身在名校,眼里也只有自己的喜怒哀乐。其实这不能怪他们,因为如今的中国正是一个强调个体意识的社会,大部分人和宗族的联系早已经被切断,家族的规模也越来越小,强调个体与家庭联系的礼教被扔进了封建的垃圾桶。贾樟柯在《Age of Ambition: Chasing Fortune, Truth and Faith in the New China》就曾提到,他小时候听的音乐里都是在唱“我们”,今天的音乐里却都是在唱“我”。

然而个体意识并不等同于独立性,或者恰恰相反,个体意识和独立性很多时候是相冲突的。举个不太恰当的例子,个体意识就如同是井底之蛙,而唯有跳出自我这口井,才能看到自我这口井,实现有意识的独立。

但作为独生子女的我们,从小就面对着众星捧月的局面,家长除了为我们一味付出外,却很少有意识地提醒我们跳出自我的井,问出如何看待他们的衰老,如何看待自己的独立等等塑造独立性的问题。这也不能怪他们,因为他们自己也没有被教授过类似的知识。同时,外部社会环境的频繁变化也让父母很不放心真正将我们视为能够独立的个体对待。由于这样的种种原因,最终的结果是我们整个社会尚未形成一种将个体意识和独立性有效转化的共识性知识。没有这样的共识性知识,独立性就是一个模糊的概念,很多人对此都有自己的解读,而更多人对此却没有清晰的认知,只是觉得自己似乎该独立,但又迈不开步子,不知道走向哪里。最可能得结果,就是我们继续当下的模式,活在父母自愿为我们营造出的舒适区内,仅仅关注自己舒适区内个体意识下的喜怒哀乐。

 

另一个残酷的事实是,在这种模式下被放养着的我们,唯有依靠自主觉醒走出舒适区,才能真正踏上通往独立的道路。这样的自主觉醒难度由多个变量决定,不同出身,不同家境,不同性格的我们自主觉醒的时间也各不相同。早早觉醒的人会意识到父母能力的局限,充满危机感地努力走出舒适区,有意识地试图在未来的竞争中尽快占据一席之地,没有觉醒的人会继续自己安定平稳的生活,视而不见妈妈脸上的皱纹,爸爸头上的白发背后隐约可见的独立性危机,更没有走出舒适区,尽快适应竞争的意识。一言以蔽之,就是输家活在危机里,而赢家活在危机感里。
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What is it like to have relatively uneducated parents?

Answer by Adriana Heguy:

My parents did not even go to high school. My dad had to help raise his younger brother and sister because their mom was a single mother. So he started working when he was 12 years old. His mom died of meningitis at age 40, and at 17 years of age, he became his younger brother and sister's guardian.

My mom wanted to become a teacher, but her parents pulled her out of middle school at age 14 so she could start making a living as an apprentice dressmaker. Her parents were poor immigrants from Italy, they moved to Uruguay looking for better jobs and opportunities in what was then a very prosperous little country.

They found each other, fell in love, married, and decided that their kids would be whatever they wanted to be. Both my sister and I went to the university. I'm now a Professor at NYU.

What was it like to be raised by them? They were loving and affectionate, and extremely supportive. My father was the first feminist I ever met. He encouraged my interest in science by buying me books. My mother became a very well respected dressmaker and I have to say that she made the most beautiful women's clothes I have ever seen. She had rich clients and made a very good living. We ended up buying a home, all with the money she made. She was a tireless worker, and I have her "workaholic genes".

 My dad got very sick before I was even born, he had ankylosing spondylitis (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseas…). This disease is very painful but I never heard him complain about it. We knew he was in pain from the expression in his face. He died when I was 15, of a brain tumor. He was a happy, cheerful man in spite of his diseases. Very affectionate. Extremely intelligent and an avid reader. He had no formal education, but was not ignorant, quite the opposite, he was the anti-ignorant, always looking for ways to learn more.

My parents were frugal but we never lacked anything. If there was something we wanted and they could not afford it, they would explain to us why we couldn't have it. We almost never ate out. But my maternal grandmother, who lived with us, was a fantastic cook and we felt that we ate better and healthier than at a restaurant. We did not travel anywhere, except once a year to a beach house we rented, not far from Montevideo, the city where I grew up. The biggest source of happiness was the family, and being together, enjoying a good meal, a movie every once in a while, and fun activities such as going to the stadium to watch a soccer game, going to the park to play or to the boardwalk to eat popcorn and drink "mate" (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/…). Family was considered sacred.

I had a happy childhood. I grew up convinced that I had the best family one could ever have.

I thank my mom and my dad for who I am. I could not have followed my passion to be a scientist without them both, and their outlook on life, their support. I would not have the family I have now if they had not taught me how to love, and that family and the happiness of your family are the most important things in the world.

My mom and my dad were one of a kind. I think they truly were extraordinary people, and I consider myself an extremely privileged person, to have been raised by them.

What is it like to have relatively uneducated parents?

All things are difficult before they are easy.

It’s said that  It is the first step that is troublesome and worse still All things are difficult before they are easy. 

People like me are instinctively choosing the easy way out whenever facing tradeoffs. And that often leads to irrational and mistaken choices which result in failure in life.

Mr.Zhang has been teaching me that all mental problems should be coped with practical and realistic action in life instead of the other way around, like daydreaming with a wild fantasy or utopian scheme. Besides, the science has already undoubtedly proved itself against the pure philosophy on all counts.

Now, it is all yours to live your life and save yourself from falling in to the dust.

It is also yours to find your own destiny.

May God is with you.